2006-07-27
Reflections. 1
Reflections. A horrible word, which I like to think characterizes the masochistic narcissist. But we do it anyway. I do it anyway.
On Character.
Back in my safe haven (nygh), a character that was individual and assertive was "stubborn" and "aggressive". Too masculine. Too hard. In this pre-dominantly TCHS culture I am now in, a character that isnt, is "weak" and "inconsequential". I spent 4 years being "aggressive" and "stubborn", and I think I've finally mellowed out, in the presence of those I'm less familiar with, or too familiar with, at least. And today, by the standards of today, I am "weak" and "inconsequential". In the short span of 1 semester, I have been called "high-maintenance", "individual", "special", "striking", "stubborn" and "easy-going", "inconspicuous", "too adaptable", "unopiniated". I don't know what I am, by their standards anymore, and maybe that's what's weak and inconsequential about me.
I attach far too much emotional significance on affairs that are not considered in the same light by many others. And this means a lot of disillusion, that I have now come to accept most placidly - arises from me. I therefore now doubt my own judgments, and I've received feedback on how this seems like a huge esteem problem. Which probably is, in some sorts.
For the above reasons, I have begun, almost unconsciously, to seek reciprocation for my investments, and in the case of newer developments, test grounds, before investing. I don't know how right, or wrong this is. And I don't know if 'abandoning' (or really, reducing intensity and activity) the relationships I have (for failing the criteria) are the best things that could have been done.
I hold the Girl nature in me and girl company apotropaically. While I don't believe in calling "inhibition" a limitation of "real me", I am most uninhibited in girl company. I know, unless people have been lying to me, that I am valued a lot more by the female half of the population. I suspect that if there isn't a guy to remedy this situation, I might be better off turning lesbian. Just kidding.
And it IS in my nature to dish out compliments freely and often, as I usually do (and is often done) in a girls' environment. Sincerely. I left this off for a while (esp) in debate, because I allowed myself to be swayed by the environment, which didn't allow for free praise.
I forget very easily. And I don't mean homework. I seem to have this inbuilt mechanism that seeks out distractions from catastrophic events, or sustained depression. I can smile and joke while I'm at the lowest point of my life, and I've realized that these giggles can sometimes seem more real to me than the supposedly mind-crushing sadness. I am not sure if this is a good thing.
I am far too proud. He warned me once (and once again, the overtly personal emotional whore in me finds it difficult not to go "OMG! I BLEW IT WITH HIM!") and I've realized that this ego problem is really more severe than I hoped. I find it hard not to assert (subtly or otherwise) my abilities/accolades, which serves to be largely counterproductive in convicing someone of my worth. And most of the time, I have to admit their doubts are founded. Darn.
I constantly (try to) repress thoughts and feelings that I deem undesirable, like jealousy. An exception of this rule though, is arrogance, which always seems to slip by. I am always accidentally arrogant, and I kick myself everytime. The greater problem with this point, is that it makes me feel like I've got something to hide. Like I'm being dishonest about who I am.
nothing ever happens at 12:34 a.m.