2006-10-13

Journalling

Wednesday
I don't know if I've become wiser, or less stupid, or am still deluded in thinking that something has changed. I didn't think my heart broke. But I know now it's no longer there. I didn't think my conscience would do more than tug me in the right direction. But now I can't look without seeing Guilt in its full, naked glory.

But today, I realized how easy it is to start smiling again. All it takes is some kind of distraction, and a certain will in wanting to break out of your prism. You don't have to feel happy to smile again, you only need to see others feel happy. My group of friends from Sixoh heaved a sigh of relief, and I've only just realized just how much my emotional welfare affects them. So from today onwards, I have a social responsibility to keep smiling.

I will be okay. "Not okay" just doesn't seem to be in the dictionary. I've even made several encouraging observations about my life. I think, I think my life is looking up - But I'm not making the same mistakes again, I'm not placing any more significance, or attachments on any of these new relationships/ advancements these few days have seen.

I think I'll just try to enjoy the niceties, the Hi-s and Bye-s, the casual conversations and the silly grins while they last. If I don't try to see what's behind those smiling eyes, I can't get hurt when they don't turn out as they seem.

Thursday
We remembered my (maternal) grandfather's death anniversary with a home-cooked feast at my grandmother's place.

The departure of my grandfather, marked by a reunion.

I wonder if my grandmother still feels anything for the man she lost over thirty years ago. She never talked to me about him. I never saw her look fondly at his picture. There were times when she would remember him to her children with comments about what he liked, or disliked - things she said in the exact way she would a housewife tale. There was never any sign of affection, grief, or even plain missing. Just a way of life.

We didn't offer joss sticks to his memory, nor did my grandmother attempt to fit my palms together in prayer in front of my grandfather's altar as she did when I was little. In fact, this year, I didn't even see the altar.

But this year, I remembered him more than I ever did in all 17 years of my life - the father of my mother, the husband of my grandmother, the grandfather I never met.

Friday
One night, while walking with my neck craned upwards, I commented rather disappointedly on the emptiness of the sky, because I couldn't see any stars. My company said, "The stars are shining anyway - you just can't see them because the city is too bright."

But today, I think I managed to catch a glimpse of the millions of stars that shine without fail, even when our retinas aren't there to catch them.

They were always there - even when all I could see were the flashy metropolitan lights. Lights that beguiled, and made the sky empty. But those stars - they were always there.

I just hope they always will be.

nothing ever happens at 6:19 p.m.

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