2007-01-31
A woman's worth
He doesn't look at you anymore.
No, to tell the truth, you can't remember if he ever did. But you know now that you're no longer on the receiving end of his thoughts, laughter and gaze.
You watch him all the time. Watch as his dark eyes affix themselves on some other person, some other object. Sometimes they flicker onto you, and the flutter in your chest translates to your eyelids as you frantically try to hide your voyeurism. You busy yourself with the sheet of paper in front of you, or force eye contact upon the buddy next to you. You think you feel his eyes rest on you for a moment, but you're always too late to catch him red handed. And then, you wonder if you've let wishful thinking get the better of you. Perhaps everything you and him shared in the past was but creative interpretation on your part.
That buddy, he drapes his arm around you. The two of you share a laugh, a joke, a moment when you return his touch. But all this while, you watch Him from the corner of your eye. A small part of you wishes the green-eyed monster would leap out of him, another part of you wishes you could invest in the graspable, real body next to you instead. That warm hand on your arm now could promise a better life.
You remember everything you've read about body language and check them off mentally. His feet are pointed your way. Good. A wide display of crotch - again, probably in your direction. Perfect. The navel test proves inconsistent though, you're not sure what to think. Then you feel incredibly stupid. You're obviously trying to negotiate the evidence into supporting your prejudiced hypothesis. After all, he still hasn't talked to you.
That young, silent greek god, he might as well have been a coin in your pocket. Cold and hard. Always looking the other way.But you clutch it tightly, because its value is true. Even though it won't buy you anything.
You are frustrated. You've seen the delight a child derives from a simple coin. But you can't have it.
You can't have it.
nothing ever happens at 9:22 p.m.